My husband read somewhere that our generation is prone to “mid-life crises.” Apparently, we have it mid-life crisis refined to the point where we don’t just have one crisis, we have many. In fact, depending on how we react to them, we may live in a near-perpetual state of mid-life crisis.
I don’t know if it’s true. But I know it feels true for me.
Once again, I’m feeling lost and wondering who I am and what I’m doing. I’m looking at my life and thinking “Is this really mine? Is this me? Is this how I want my life to go?” My dreams feel so far away that it’s hard to remember what they are or how close I really am to achieving them (or at least starting to)
I see how easy it would be to let go of the dreams I’ve had and continue along the path I’m walking—it wouldn’t look much different from the outside, honestly, and maybe I would be happier if I just let go of these desires and looked for fulfillment in other things: a fantastic work review, a raise, a well-thrown birthday party, a family vacation. Everything would be simpler if I could only want those things. Life would be less complicated and painful…
Ummm….no. Did I really just write that?
The next minute I’m (sometimes literally) shaking myself, as if trying to wake myself up from a bad dream, and I’m wondering who the hell this voice in my head is and what happened to the idealistic, illuminated, passionate, and (comparatively) courageous dance teacher of 7 years ago.
I’m comparing and self-criticizing and digging a big hole of stuck.
Basically, it sucks.
I find it hard to write about this stuff publicly. I feel like I’m supposed to “have my shit together” and write about how I use movement to make my life better and how awesome everything is. But that’s not where I am right now, and I’m trying to be honest.
But, on the bright side, I’m not just sitting in ick, I’m taking steps to get out.
Here’s what I’m doing right now to help myself:
I’ve already been doing a (mostly) regular meditation and movement practice (YAY ME!), and I’m finally going to put my plan of “biweekly yoga class” into action starting Thursday (YAY ME!), but today I bought myself some index cards and I’ve started writing things down. I’m not writing down plans and dreams this time, but tools. Every exploration or moving meditation I used in my classes is going onto those cards. I’m starting with the ones I remember, and then I’ll go through my old journals and class plans, and THEN I’ll go through my books and add NEW ones.
I need to SEE these tools, see what I’ve got in my collection, remember that I’ve DONE THIS BEFORE. I need my thinking brain to remind the terrified parts of myself that I’ve got this, that I’m already partway there, that I’m not a big fat phony who should admit her failure, take down her much-neglected blog, and call it a day.
‘Cause I’m not one, and I don’t want to admit anything of the kind.