Author Archives: spiritmovesdance

What I Really, Really Want

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I’ve been dealing with computer issues and feeling melancholy about postponing my first-ever telecircle (until next Saturday)…and then I remembered that I had this awesome list to share with you, and it made me feel better. Big thanks to Angel at My Mosaic Life for being the glowing inspiration she is. (And if you want to check out my very first telecircle experiment, you can sign up here for all the details)

Beautiful Angel at My Mosaic Life posted a few days ago about wanting what she wants, and what her true, heartfelt desires are.

You should go read it, because it’s fabulous.

And it got me thinking…what do I want? What are MY true desires?

Desire can be a tough feeling. I know that for me, it’s accompanied with a “but I don’t really need that, it’s not important” or “but I totally can’t afford it and it’s silly to still be harping on it.” There’s pain along with the wanting, because there’s a belief that what I want is unrealistic and selfish, and sometimes impossible (short of a winning lottery ticket). That’s how it is for me, anyway, and I get the feeling I’m not alone here.

But Angel has inspired me, and I’m going to write and share a list of the things I truly want. I’ll leave it here for you to see, and I won’t add any “but I totally can’t afford that”s or “maybe when the kid is older”s, for once.

Here are my true and heartfelt desires:

-I want to actually go out and do the things I’ve been half-heartedly planning and then putting off. These include, but are not limited to, going to the monthly Barefoot Ecstatic Dance gathering downtown, seeing local dance performances, trying Nia, and taking a yoga class.

-I want to go to the Nia White Belt training in New Glasgow next month. If not that one, a different one sometime this year. I don’t know if I want to *teach* Nia, but I’ve read the book, and I want to experience their philosophy of movement firsthand.

-While we’re on the topic, I want to go to a 5Rhythms workshop, an authentic movement workshop, an advanced DansKinetics training, and a drumming/dancing circle.

-Basically, I want to have a whole spectrum of healing dance techniques that I can teach and/or combine and draw from. I want to play and explore and keep learning. There’s so much out there that I haven’t experienced.

-I want to play Minecraft and hang out with my friends regularly, without feeling guilty for “wasting my time” not-working.

-I want to cuddle and connect with Matthew every night. We got away from that since Xander was born, and we’re only just noticing the different it makes when we do it.

-I want time to sit quietly and just be still, even for 5 minutes, every day

-I want to choreograph again, and to perform my own choreography. I used to be really really good. I miss it SO MUCH.

-I want some new, brightly-coloured shirts to wear when I dance and teach classes. My black shirts are really nice, but I’d rather be in colour.

-I want a house with a yard. I want one that’s actually ours, and not rented. I want a vegetable garden and a swingset in the backyard, and I want a big room to dance in, a nice kitchen, and some office space. And a woodstove…just because. I want it to feel 100% Us and 100% Home.

-I want a daily yoga and dance practice. I want to feel strong and trust my body again. I’m feeling a difference after only 2 weeks of teaching DansKinetics, but it makes me want MORE MORE MORE!

-I want to earn money from home. I want to build TWO businesses: my dance business, and an editing business. Did you know I officially edited two versions of a real live book? I did! I totally rocked it! I love helping people polish their writing so that it clearly communicates their message…LOVE it. I also love working with people to help clarify just what they’re trying to say. (So if you need an editor, or know of someone who does…you know who to contact ;) )

-Someday, I want to be a coach/counsellor and combine that with movement. I don’t know exactly what to do or how, but I do know that when I help my friends untangle a problem and get some perspective, I feel immensely satisfied.

And finally,

-I want to totally rock my telecircle next weekend and be able to build something really cool and unique with them.

There. That’s what I want.

How about you? I’d love to know! You can share it in comments, on your own blog, or on Angel’s original post. <3

How to Respond When the Universe F*cks Up Your Plans

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I had last week all mapped out. It was booked off on my schedule as “work from home week.” Matthew had a day or two of work to do, but on all the other days I was going to take the afternoon and Do Some Work. Solid, uninterrupted, glorious work. I started out strong on Monday, inspired by my stellar office makeover.

And that’s where it stopped.

On Monday night I noticed that my throat was scratchy. On Tuesday, when I launched my 8-week session of DansKinetics classes at DANSpace (hint hint: you should come and dance with me!), I was in the process of losing my voice. By the time I got home that night it was official: I was sick.

It wasn’t my ordinary cold. For the past 5 years at least, my colds have followed a precise pattern: start in the head with 2 days of abject misery, move to the chest, feel better. This one? This one started in the chest and then migrated up, wiping me out completely for 3 days and not slacking off until Day 4. So. Much. Fun.

Instead of my lovely week of working and planning, I found myself slumped miserably on the sofa, watching movies with Xander, and even taking a daily afternoon nap (this never happens). I couldn’t walk from one end of the apartment to the other without having to lie down afterwards.

I started getting suspicious right around Day 2. I mean, I know the scientific mechanics of cold-catching, but I am absolutely convinced that illnesses come for a reason. And this one, this weird and oddly-timed cold? Definitely not random.

As I lay on the sofa, I thought a lot about Why This Happened. And the longer I lay there, the more insight I had about it. The way I see it, this cold came around for two reasons:

1. I wasn’t taking care of myself.
I’ve been staying up too late, working too much, not taking time to play or be still (this was made very clear over the course of my sofa-time…I’d forgotten what it felt like to sit for more than an hour without doing something).

It’s the usual story, and that’s why it’s my go-to theory when I get sick. My body decided that, if I wasn’t going to cut it out voluntarily, it would make me be still and look after myself…hence the 3 days on the sofa (and even now I’m not 100%…I had to lie down for half an hour this afternoon!)

2. My brand-new blinding-light epiphany: I was off-centre, and it was throwing everything off. In fact, I had been off-centre and floundering for so long that it had stopped feeling bad and started feeling normal.  This cold came to show me the truth.

I haven’t been fully living my life. Not walking my talk. Not living my message. Getting stuck in ruts of habit and resistance. Business-wise, not doing the biggest things on my lists. Meaning to do them and then getting bogged down in avoidance and perfectionism (which are both just fancy names for not doing something out of fear). Hanging back and stressing out and checking Facebook instead of moving through my to-do lists. Forgetting why I was doing the work in the first place. Letting myself and my dreams down.

That sounds like I’m berating myself for it, and I’m really not. I could feel that something was wrong, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. I don’t think off-centeredness registered consciously before last week because, really, I’ve been doing so much better than I was last year or the year before that (and don’t get me started on my first year as a mama). But I don’t feel good…and besides, better isn’t the same as full-colour-awesome. Now that I can see the difference, it’s time to make a change.

A lot of the “walking my talk” things I’ve been neglecting are self-care: Reiki. Meditation. Watching dance performance. Reading actual books. Moving my body regularly in the ways I teach and write about. Doing the work that’s most important to me instead of skirting the edges and making busy-work (and then getting worn ragged and stressed out and sick). These are all things that would make my mama-job easier and help me follow my passion. These aren’t things to “not have time for,” or to forget about or to avoid.

I knew vaguely that I was doing that before this cold, but I didn’t realize the full extent of the problem until I was forced to stop working altogether. I needed the week of misery in order to get perspective on the months that came before.

My Reiki Master taught us a saying during one of our attunement workshops: when she’s going through a major healing crisis, be it a physical illness or an emotional rollercoaster, she says “Thank you for my healing.” No matter the situation, she says “Thank you for my healing.” (Sometimes she shouts it and shakes her fist at the Universe :P )

Now that I’m getting better, that phrase sums up my feelings exactly. Last week didn’t go AT ALL how I planned. Being sick sucked a LOT, and I was so disappointed about not being able to do the things I’d planned, but now I can see the necessity of the week on the sofa. I appreciate the insights I gained from the change in plans.

Now I get to decide how I want to proceed from here.

Thank you for my healing.

Making Space for Magic

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For months I’ve been doing my blogging and planning on the dining room table.

I don’t know how this started. I mean, last year we said that my office was going to be in the guest room. During the World-Changing Writing Workshop, I participated in a whole teleclass about creating office space to support me in my creative work. I tried. It’s just…I don’t know…it didn’t really “take.” It was a guest room with a wobbly desk in it, not a space for magic.

And after a few months, the guest room became the Place Where Things Go to Die. Then it really REALLY wasn’t conducive to working…or doing anything, really, other than Dumping Stuff and Running Away. The cats liked it. That’s about it.

Last weekend Matthew and I decided that Enough was Enough. It was time to make some space. We started by clearing out the guest room.

(I purposely didn't take "before" photos of the Hell Hole, but here—including that shopping cart and its contents—is about 3/4 of the stuff we cleared out of the room, not including furniture. Or the contents of the closet. Yeah...)

 

We rearranged everything, and spent about an hour scraping cat hair off the rug where under-the-bed used to be. And then it was time to settle back in.

At this point, Xander decided to come and help us put things away. This was his contribution...

 

I worked until bedtime on Saturday, sorting papers, organizing things, and putting pictures back up. I even reorganized most of the closet, but I didn’t photograph it because it still looks messy.

And here is the result:

Bookshelf. Business-y stuff on the right, crafty and household stuff on the left.

 

Actual space for pretty things! Matthew bought me that rabbit sculpture on the day we had Xander <3

 

Prayer flags from Goddess Leonie, standing work station, which I use about half the time, and you can *just* see part of my Right-Brain business plan by the blue curtain on the right.

Xander's standing workstation...he's "playing Minecraft" on the alarm clock.

 

I LOVE how it looks. It feels so much better.

But here’s the Magical Secret: this was about SO MUCH MORE than spring cleaning the guest room.

To be honest, the mess in the guest room kind of felt like a metaphor for my approach to my blog-and-business-y stuff. I had plans and projects to do, but they kept getting crowded out of the way by random crap. Papers. Lego. Facebook. Massive life changes. Hairballs…no, wait, that was the guest room, not the blog. As far as I know… 

The point is that my dreams were drowning in random pieces of crap that needed to be cleared out and put away. I needed time and space for action.

Last night I tried the office out for the first time, and this afternoon Matthew gave me a block of time to work as well. So far in this office, I have edited an e-book (not mine), recorded a movement meditation (that one’s mine, and more on that soon), created the beginnings of a new website (MegGoodmanson.com…it’s still a work in progress), and danced for half an hour.

…Most of which I’d been planning to do for the past month or more. Clearing the guest room and making physical space for my work is allowing me to clear out my back-logged to-do list and make energetic space for more creativity and bigger projects.

YES.

This is my magic room, my business sanctuary, the place where Creations Will Be Made Real. I’ve only been in here for a couple of days, but I pretty much never want to leave.

SO HAPPY in my office space...and the cats seem happier too!

 

We’re going to have to find somewhere else to keep the shopping cart…