Tag Archives: self-love

Pause for Buffering…

I was going to film a dance video tonight.

I was. I cleared the space. I swept the floor. I tried to pick out a song to use…I was exhausted, but I told myself to push through it. Push push. People are expecting a video, Meg. You should have had one up on Tuesday. I don’t care if you’re tired. Pick a $&#%ing song and %#&@ing dance.

Woah there.

What?!

No.

Forcing myself to make a video out of guilt and stress and fear and in spite of being incredibly tired and not particularly inspired…that’s not what this dance-a-thon is about. That’s not a recipe for self-expression. That’s not sharing the joy of moving my body.

You know what that is? An all-too-familiar place. The place where dancing is a should and not a joy. Where moving is impeded by layers of pain, my body weighed down by resistance and fear. Where injury waits for me. Where I can never be good enough. Where the drill-sergeant voice in my head screams “TRY HARDER!” and I leap to attention, no matter how tired or sick I am.

Screw that.

I knew that this process would bring me face to face with a very dark part of me. This is the part that I always run away from. This is the part that either makes me stop dancing to get away from it or push through in obedience and hurt myself because I’m not fully embodied and I’m not moving with love.

What do I do this time?

I take a step back. I remind myself that:
a) Not dancing tonight doesn’t make me a quitter. There’s still plenty of time.
b) If I want to learn to dance on my terms, then I need to respect my body’s requests for rest.
c) Tomorrow I’ll be able to start earlier and hopefully won’t be so tired
d) The only person pressuring me is me.
e) Forcing myself to dance right now when I can’t even pick a song to move to is a sure-fire recipe for hating the resulting video.

There are times to push. There are times when resistance is something you can move through in a healthy way. I encountered that kind of resistance when I first considered doing the dance-a-thon.

But there are also times when resistance is telling you something, when pushing through would make the problem worse.

The former feels exhilarating. It lights you up and makes you feel what author John Green once called “a shimmering nervousness” (I love that). The latter is heavy. It feels like you’re trapped between a rock and a hard place. It sucks.

Only you know which you’re encountering at any given time. Only you know which is the right choice for you. Only you can make that call.

Tonight I know.

I’ll try again tomorrow. It’s the loving thing to do.

You have permission

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Dear radiant, glowing soul,

You have permission…

To relax. To goof off. To play.

To lounge unapologetically.

To read a book for fun.

To eat chocolate and drink wine. Possibly together.

To wear colours that clash.

To dance like no one’s watching, even if they are.

To be excited about office supplies.

To go out in the rain and jump in puddles.

To spend the day on the sofa and watch movies.

To play Lego with wild abandon.

To say no.

To ask for help.

To get it wrong.

To be late.

To lose your way.

To lose your temper.

To follow your heart.

To do what feels right, even if you don’t know where it’s leading you.

Remember this:

You have permission.

(You have permission to give yourself whatever you need in this moment. For real. Just remember that.)

Reverb11: The final post

Dec 28: Achieve. What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today. (Tara Sophia Mohr)

You would think, given all of my dreams and plans for 2012, and the fact that I’ve been using this approach regularly since last December, that I would have had NO trouble with this question. But…no. I am beyond stuck on this one.

Seriously…the things I want to achieve next year are things like “move my body daily” and “maintain a sense of presence, awareness, and appreciation in my day to day life.” They don’t really fit with this question. They’re not goals that you achieve once and then you’re done—they’re ongoing things.

I think that this has a lot to do with Tara Mohr’s Goals Guide (which this question is based on, and which you can download for free HERE). It was a total game changer for me last year. If goals totally stress you out, I can’t recommend it enough.

…and that’s really all I have to say about that.

Dec 29. Today’s Reverb11 prompt: Defining Moment. Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year. (Kathryn Fitzmaurice)

In the late winter, Andrea Schroeder announced that she was doing a workshop called the Creative Dream Incubator. And I wanted to participate SO BADLY, but we were still reeling from an over-spendy Christmas and I just couldn’t afford it. She told me about a giveaway where you could win a free spot in the course. So I entered the contest. And I won. It was like the Universe was saying, “Yes, you need this. You asked for it, and you did what you could to get it. Here you go.” (that in and of itself was kind of a defining moment).

The course was incredible. It connected me with other dreamers, it helped me envision my dream, and it snapped me out of paralyzing fear and resistance. And then the miracles kept happening and the dreams kept coming true. And even though I didn’t make my dream fully real yet, I’ve grown and healed and created so much on my journey towards it that I don’t even care. I’ll get there. Magic is real, and it happens…and the Creative Dream Incubator helped me realize that (thank you, Andrea! <3).

Dec 30. Today’s Reverb11 prompt: Gift. This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What’s the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year? (Molly O’Neill)

The most memorable gift I received this year was the gift of a night off when I really REALLY needed it. I was deep in mama-burnout, crying and raging and generally having a horrible time. And after I had cried on the phone to Matthew for the second time in one day, he suggested that maybe I should book a hotel room and take a night completely off.

The idea was TERRIFYING. Xander was still night-nursing, and I had never spent a single night away from him in all of his almost-3 years. But Matthew knew that I needed some space, and deep in my gut I knew it too. So I did it. I booked a night at the hotel down the street, Matthew and Xander walked me there, they said goodnight, and I was alone. Totally alone for a blissful 12 hours. I had a bath. I went for a walk. I watched TV. I slept alone. And in the morning I felt like a human being again. And Xander and Matthew did just fine (of course).

Really, the cost of the room itself wasn’t the gift—it was the permission. The permission to just go, let go of the responsibility, leave mamahood at home for a night, and just BE with myself…that was the most important gift I received this year.

Dec 31. Today’s Reverb11 prompt: Core Story. What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world? (Bonus: Consider your reflections from this month. Look through them to discover a thread you may not have noticed until today.)

This is where I’ve seen the biggest shift in the past year.
My central story at this point in my life is one of a woman who is coming into her own. She’s released a lot of pain and baggage, and she has blossomed. She is learning to be gentle with herself, rediscovering her own awesome, and dancing with the magical Universe.

And that…is amazing.

Have a beautiful New Years Eve, my darlings. And may 2012 be filled with joy, love, and light…and dancing. Let’s dance into the New Year.

xox
Meg

Dec 19: Healing

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Reverb is an every-day-in-December journalling/blogging practice. Each day features a prompt that either helps you integrate the past year or envision what you want to create in the next one (sometimes both). If you want to follow along with me, I’m posting a prompt on my Facebook page every morning.

Dec 19: Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2012? (Goddess Leonie)

A year ago, I looked at this question and I answered the second part like this:

In 2011 I could ask for nothing more than to be able to continue on this path I’ve started treading. I picture myself going deeper and deeper, learning these lessons, developing new awareness. I picture myself feeling wholly and joyfully me, with no apologies, and no self-judgment. Embracing and befriending myself. The process has already started…please let it keep going.

I got my wish. In 2011, I moved further along the path to ME-ness. I embraced and befriended myself. Yes, I had hard times, yes, I struggled with self-criticism and guilt, but I learned from those experiences. Even those things helped to heal me.

My healing was not sudden, although there were many epiphanies, realizations, and breakthroughs that felt sudden (but that I recognized hindsight as part of a natural progression). Step by step I moved toward self-friendship. Bit by bit I developed new awareness.

I can’t even tell you what healed me because it was life itself that healed me. The act of living, of moving through my days, of loving myself and others, of struggling, of soaring. I realized that every breath can be part of a healing journey if we move forward that intention. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

For 2012, my wish is just the same. I wish to continue on this healing path. I wish to cultivate new awareness, befriend myself even more closely, continue my pilgrimage to the temple of the Self.

One step at a time, one breath at a time, please let my healing journey continue.

Dec 17: Lesson Learned & Dec 18: Try

Reverb is an every-day-in-December journalling/blogging practice. Each day features a prompt that either helps you integrate the past year or envision what you want to create in the next one (sometimes both). If you want to follow along with me, I’m posting a prompt on my Facebook page every morning.

Dec 17: Lesson learned. What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward? (Tara Weaver)

This year I learned that I can be brave. I can do more than sit and dream and wish (not that those aren’t completely necessary and worthwhile things to do—they are—but eventually there needs to be action or it starts to feel really stuck and crappy). I can put plans in motion and move through my fear and resistance. I am more powerful than I ever dreamed.

In 2012, I’ll apply that lesson by making a habit of responding to stuckness and sadness and icky-feelings with movement. When I feel crappy and self-loathing-y, it’s not a sign that I am worthless or lazy or too timid to exist. It’s a sign that I have stayed still long enough, and that the only thing I need to do to snap out of my funk is to take a step, even a tiny one.

Instead of drowning my sorrows in chocolate, all I have to do is move. Make that phone call I’ve been avoiding, set a timer and do my yoga, go for a walk, write the email, schedule the class, publish the blog post. Whatever it is, movement is the key. With movement and courage, I can do anything.

Dec 18: Try. What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2011? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it? (Kaileen Elise)

A page from last year's Creating Your Goddess Year workbook! You can get one at GoddessGuidebook.com

Next year there are SO many things I want to try!

Off the top of my head:
-writing a newsletter
-teaching YogaDance again
-a Nia class
-an Authentic Movement workshop
-a regular dance video post
-a yoga class

And this year I managed to try a lot of things that I wanted to!
A dancing mamas class!
An editing job!
Crocheting!
JourneyDance!
Contributing to an e-book!
Coaching!
E-courses!
A home yoga practice!
A gratitude journal!
Tarot readings!
Making a Facebook page!
Being on a podcast!

They didn’t always work out, but sometimes the trying and failing taught me more than the trying and succeeding.

There were also a lot of things I wanted to try and didn’t get to…but it turned out fine. Unlike past years, I don’t feel that bad about it. This year I learned that things happen when they’re meant to, and that means that I can put them on the list for next year and trust that I’ll get to them when I’m ready. In fact, most of the items on my “to try next year” list are hold-overs from this year. And that’s just fine.

Dec 16: Self Care

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Reverb is an every-day-in-December journalling/blogging practice. Each day features a prompt that either helps you integrate the past year or envision what you want to create in the next one (sometimes both). If you want to follow along with me, I’m posting a prompt on my Facebook page every morning.

Dec 16: Self-care. How did you care for yourself this year? How would you like to care for yourself in 2012?

This year I got better at asking for help when I needed it, so I had a lot more time to myself. I took days off when I felt myself getting stressed out and needing a break. I took time to do my own projects and to write and create, which is SO important. I gave myself permission to take care of myself…and that’s the biggest step toward self-care that I can think of. I let myself chill out and watch movies when I needed to.

I set up coffee dates and went to a few dance classes. I moved my body a lot, and I found that as the year progressed, moving became more and more about self-care and less about “shoulds,” which was nice. I gave myself a lot of Reiki, which is a lovely combination of connecting with spirit and caring for the body.

In 2012 I would like to continue the trend. More movement, more Reiki, more rest, more permission.

Specifically, I’d like to:

-move every day (even just a tiny bit, just consciously moving my body)
-give myself Reiki at bedtime most nights
-go on more dates with Matthew and with friends
-attend more dance classes
-give myself lots and lots of permission to take it easy, rest, or do whatever I need
-be easier on myself in every area of my life, from parenting to business to housekeeping (speaking of which, Goddess Leonie made a free e-book that EVERYONE should read. It’s awesome: How to be a Domestic Goddess)

This was the first year I really understood that self-care is about gentleness and a loving attitude toward myself. That’s the attitude I’d like to carry forward into 2012.

Dec 11: 11 Things

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Reverb is an every-day-in-December journalling/blogging practice. Each day features a prompt that either helps you integrate the past year or envision what you want to create in the next one (sometimes both). If you want to follow along with me, I’m posting a prompt on my Facebook page every morning.

Dec 11: 11 Things. What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2012? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life? (Sam Davidson)

This prompt brings to mind a quote from Mother Teresa: “I was once asked why I don’t participate in anti-war demonstrations. I said that I will never do that, but as soon as you have a pro-peace rally, I’ll be there.”

As I worked on my list of 11 Things I didn’t want, I realized that it was making me feel really crappy, and in many cases I was simply writing down the opposite of the things I DID want. And suddenly I thought, “No…I don’t want to put the focus on things to get rid of. I want to focus on the things I want to bring in.” It serves the same purpose, it’s basically the same question, but now I feel much happier about it.

So, without further ado, I present the 11 Things I Want to Invite into My Life in 2012, how I will go about inviting them in, and how the presence of these things in my life will change my life!

1. Self-Care.
I will invite self-care into my life by reminding myself that it’s not a selfish thing, a frivolous thing, or an optional thing. If I want to be happy and be able to take care of the people and things in my life that need taking care of, then self-care is a 100% must.

To me, self-care wears many faces (including some of the other items on this list), but it’s largely an attitude. I commit to treating myself with as much respect as I would treat anyone else under my care, cutting myself the same slack, giving myself the same consideration. Forgiving myself for being human. Trusting that I know my own needs and limits, and paying attention to them.

If I make self-care a priority and treat myself with humanity, then my well will be full. I will enjoy life more. I will be able to give without feeling hollow inside. And I will be able to act like a human being (with compassion, caring, and patience) toward people around me, particularly small, strong-willed 3 year olds named Xander.

2. Rest.
A big part of self-care is making sure that I get enough sleep. I haven’t been doing a very good job of this lately, and it seriously affects my mood and energy level. I will invite rest into my life by, you know, going to bed. Before 11pm. In fact, that’s why this post didn’t go up last night…it got too late! I will also give myself permission to stop pushing and take an easy day with Xander if I’m particularly tired or cranky. Sometimes lying down for even 20 minutes helps.

If I invite rest into my life, I will have more stable moods. I won’t yell so much. I will catch myself before I’m a total jerk to Xander (being sleep deprived and hanging out with a 3 year old all day is HARD). I will be more optimistic. My body will feel better. And (bonus!) I won’t have circles under my eyes all the time.

3. Movement.
Last month I started moving almost-daily, and it transformed my life. My aches and pains eased, my body felt stronger, my back stopped hurting, I had more energy, and my attitude toward my body shifted in massive ways. It was incredible.

In 2012, I will invite movement into my life by taking a page out of Jamie Ridler’s book and instituting a daily movement practice check-in on my Facebook page. Last month I found that her daily reminders to move and the simple question “how did it feel to move today?” were enough to keep me moving and remind me that it was the feeling of joy and strength and awesomeness that I was after. I never wanted that to end. And if I do it myself…it doesn’t have to. You’re more than welcome to join me!

4. Body-Love.
This was the one that made me decide to change my approach to this prompt. Something about writing “Body-Hatred,” even on a “To Stop-Doing” list…well, it didn’t feel good. To me, body-love is all about feeling the ME-ness that fills every inch of my skin. It’s loving the container I live in, listening to its cues, and acting from a feeling of trust in (and care for) my body.

To invite body-love into my life, I will surround myself with affirming voices and body-image warriors who are proud of their bodies, no matter what their shape. I will continue to build a sense of trust: trust that my body knows when it needs to rest or move, trust that my body knows when it needs to eat or not. And I will look at myself in the mirror the way I would look at any other person, and not as a collection of (highly flawed) body parts to be judged.

With more body-love in my life, I will move more, enjoy food more, laugh more, play more, challenge my body more, and dance more. I will feel lighter, more joyful, sexier, and more like myself (I know, because I’ve been working with this for the past little while and I feel all of these things)

5. Self-Worth
In 2012, I would like to invite self-worth into my life. That means noticing when I’m falling into self-worthlessness (a terror of “getting in trouble” or “doing it wrong” or “not being good enough.”), recognizing that I’m doing the best I can, being accepting of my efforts, giving myself breaks when I need them, and generally being as nice to myself as I would to anyone else (if this sounds familiar, yes, this is tied up with self-care too). It also means not reading any more parenting books unless there’s a specific problem I need help with…those things make me feel like crap!

An increased sense of self-worth would mean a lot less stressing about whether I’m doing “an OK job,” and a lot less feeling like a little girl who can’t “get it right.” I would feel powerful, competent, and joyful.

6. Flexibility and Trust
I’ve noticed that I don’t deal well with changes in plans. I get an idea of how the day “should” go, and if something comes up that’s different, I’ll often get upset. If I have an item on my to-do list and it doesn’t get done, I’ll feel upset about it, even if three things that weren’t on the list got done instead. And that’s crap. In 2012, I’d like to replace this rigidity and need for control with a sense of flexibility and trust.

I don’t have a big plan for this one, other than being aware of my thought patterns and working to create new ones. Affirmations could work well as a reminder. I’m also playing with new ways to plan out the day. Flexibility and trust would mean less crankiness about changes in plans and more playfulness. It would be awesome.

7. Connection
I have a lot of friends. I do. But I don’t connect with them very often. I only saw some of my friends once this year. Others live in the same city as me…and I didn’t see them at all. What the hell?

In 2012 I want to change that. More hangings-out, more phone calls (remember those?) and emails. Connecting with friends makes me feel filled-up and happy, and that would be a great addition to my year.

8. NO MORE SHOULDS
Shoulds are totally tied to a lack of self-worth, but they’re such a big deal for me that they get their own space on the list. They’re also the only item that is still a “what do I want to get rid of?” because I couldn’t think of a word for their opposite.

Last year I made the intention to stop “shoulding on myself,” and it made a big difference for the first 4 months or so…and then shoulds crept back into my mindset. So they’re back on my list this year. I’ll eliminate them by actually eliminating them…noticing when I am saying or thinking “I should,” and changing my language. NO MORE SHOULDS. Often, “I should do this” is another word for “I’d like to get this done,” and that makes me WAY happier. It reminds me that I have a choice about what’s important to me and what I do. It helps me stand in my power.

9. Abundance
This year, I took steps toward contributing to my family’s finances. In 2012, I would like to keep moving toward that and help ease the financial load of being a single-income family. I’d like to keep moving on my Obnoxious Proofreader work, but I’d also like to develop a business end of Spirit Moves Dance. This means working on my business plans, trying practice classes, and making time and space in my schedule for work. I’m very excited about this!

10. Presence
This year, my blog and my gratitude journal helped me curtail my periods of numbing out, and stay more focused, centred, and aware of my life. In 2012 I want to keep doing this. I’m keeping the “how” open on this one, although I have ideas that range from meditation to morning and evening rituals, and I feel like a lot of the other items on this list will help me as well. Being present means being more responsive to Xander, more aware of my health and wellbeing, and more appreciative of my life, and it means taking pleasure in the “little things.”

11. Calm
I have a tendency to motivate myself with stress. My Facebook status is frequently “I have 5 million things to do, and I am going to GO GO GO!”

Now, a lot of the time I actually like this feeling…I’m a cardinal sign and I love “getting things done.” I do. But there’s also an edge of stress behind this approach, and a tendency to overwhelm and the aforementioned “shoulds.” And that’s not cool. In 2012, I will make a point of paring down my to-do list. I’m experimenting with picking the three most important things on my list and making sure they get done. It’s about choosing my priorities, and it seems to be helping a lot. I’d like to keep playing with that, and avoiding the “OMGIHAVESOMUCHTODOOOOOO” approach. I think it would keep me calmer and more sane next year.

There! The list that took 2 days to write is DONE!

Are there 11 things you’d like to invite into (or eliminate from) your life this year?